October 23, 2020
From PM Press
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By Lee Camp
Consortium News
October 20th, 2020

Let’s get ready for a blame game. If he loses to one of the most racist, megalomaniacal presidents in history it won’t be the Left’s fault.

(Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

So,
Joseph Biden, AKA “Kid Senile,” leads in the polls against Donald
Trump, AKA “Kid Fascist Lunatic,” by such a large margin that it
resembles a horse race in which one of the horses is an aged wiener dog
with three legs.

Right now, even though the polling does not account for the millions of
voters who have been unceremoniously booted from the voter rolls, many
people believe Biden is going to become the next drunken pilot of the
American Empire — a position which has less power than most people
imagine as the Military Industrial Complex and Wall Street roll on
undeterred due to their unimaginable inertial force like boulders in an
avalanche.

But
there are countless reasons Biden could still lose, and even though I
generally think the two corporate parties consist of sham snake-oil
salesmen dancing with their asses out, I just want to preemptively make
it clear who Democrats should blame IF Joe Biden snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. 

Because
they’re going to blame us — those of us who aren’t showering praise and
love on surly Joe like he’s Moses here to lead us to the Promised Land
where Kinder Bueno grows on trees and Horny Goat Weed-spiked Red Bull
Yellow Edition rains from the skies.

So here are the Top 10 People And Things To Blame IF Joe
Biden Loses! …against one of the most racist, megalomaniacal,
shit-for-brains, man-child rent-a-clown presidents the country has ever
seen.

No. 10If Joe Biden loses, blame Joe Biden.

Caricature of Joe Biden. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

Blame
Joe Biden for his unwillingness to even head-fake for a second as if he
holds even the smallest of progressive values. Biden could send a
lightning bolt of enthusiasm into his campaign if he were to announce
he’s supporting Medicare for All or The Green New Deal or, hell, if he
just said he enjoyed a Susan Sarandon film. Instead we get a guy who
says he’d veto Medicare for All, doesn’t support the Green New Deal,
doesn’t have a socialist bone in his body, and would sooner run an
ultramarathon across Death Valley than even begin to decrease funding to
our racist police forces.

Because
of that, while millions of Americans say they’ll hold their nose and
vote for Biden, the enthusiasm for his candidacy hovers roughly around
the enthusiasm for stubbing one’s dick on the corner of a table.

No. 9 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the Democrats in Congress.

Caricature of Chuck Schumer. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

Blame
the Democrats, especially Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, for not
impeaching Donald Trump for anything substantive (which would have the
added bonus right now of stopping Trump’s Supreme Court nomination, a
pursuit the congressional Dems seem to have lost all interest in).
Instead they went through months of impeachment proceedings because
Trump held up missiles that were meant for Ukraine. Missiles that even Obama had refused to send.

The
House Democrats could’ve impeached the creepy bulbous man — who looks
like his otherworldly face paint was sprayed on while he drove by the
makeup artist in a golf cart — for enriching himself with the presidency or a David Foster Wallace-length list of war crimes, or the variety of ways he has endangered (and killed) the American people,
or for having offspring with the mental capacity of lawn furniture.
(Not even high-end lawn furniture. More like the sale bin at Target.)
But the Democrats refuse to impeach him for something we can all sink
our teeth into because they either support those activities or are
complicit. Let’s all take a moment to high-five for war crimes! That’s
their hobby and their passion. They list “war crimes” under “likes” on
Tinder. They own the T-shirt, and they’ve seen them live in concert 19
times.

No. 8If Joe Biden loses, blame Kamala Harris.

Caricature of Kamala Harris. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

She’s
not No. 1 on this list for good reason, but she should at least be
included in this list. If Biden had picked an actual progressive,
someone who genuinely feels empathy for others, then it would’ve gone a
long way toward exciting voters. Instead he picked a prosecutor who
helped fill California’s prisons (because who else would fight the
forest fires?) and loves nothing more than locking up innocent people.
I’m half surprised Biden didn’t select the cop who murdered George
Floyd as his running mate. They would’ve been like two peas in a pod!

No. 7 — If Biden loses, blame Bill Clinton.

Caricature of Hillary and Bill Clinton. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

And
not just because he destroyed our country late at night, four drinks
in, when they were the only two in the White House and the level of
consent is a matter of great debate. Also because Clinton and his pals —
who go by names like “Two-Finger Tony,” “Kiss-of-Death Kissinger,” and
“Hillary” — took the Democratic Party from an organization that had some
kind of distant connection to working people, labor unions, and average
Americans, and transfigured it into a completely pro-corporate,
anti-worker, anti-environment double-chinned neoliberal McMansion death
squad infected with an A-to-Z of STDs from their time in bed with Wall Street

Basically, he turned it into the Republican Party. By doing so, he created room for the GOP to run even further
to the right — a political netherworld usually reserved for the beasts
in the Star Wars movies (something with poisonous tentacles coming out
of its face). The end result: the Democratic Party now has nothing to
offer voters — at least nothing different from that of the Republican
Party.

No. 6 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the gutting of the United States Postal Service.

Caricature of Louis DeJoy, 75th U.S. postmaster general. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

Despite
what you’ve heard, it’s not just Republicans at fault for this. They
had a motley group of accomplices — known as “The Democrats.” Congress
voted back in 2006 to saddle the USPS with so much debt it slowly
crushed them into a shell of their former selves, like a dying star or
Barbara Walters. The immediate result was that the USPS fired tens of
thousands of workers. And that bill was voted for by nearly every member
of Congress. Not a single Democrat voted against it.

No. 5 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Barack Obama.

Caricature of Barack Obama. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

Part
of the reason we all know Trump still has a chance, despite the polls
showing him losing, is the immense power in his grasp. He flaunts a
dictator’s toolkit at his tiny fingertips — and that toolkit was given
to him by Barack Obama and George W. Bush. Limitless surveillance, limitless search and seizure — not only was that continued under Obama’s administration but Joe Biden bragged about writing the Patriot Act.
In front of Congress in 2002 he said, “[Attorney General John Ashcroft]
gave me a call when he introduced the Patriot Act. He said, ‘Joe, I’m
introducing the Act basically as you wrote it in 1994.’ …Just to set the
record straight, almost the same thing that got passed – the Patriot
Act – was introduced by me in 1994.”

Well, it’s nice to see someone take pride in their work, isn’t it?

No. 4 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the DNC for rigging the fucking primary election.

Remember
that time? Remember the time when Bernie Sanders was waltzing through
the primaries like James Bond through a sea of villainous hitmen? And
Joe Biden was left for dead — for the second time in his life? (The
first one was outside a bar in Juarez, Mexico, on a moonless night after
sucking down 13 belly shots of bathtub Tequila off a man named El
Cuerpo.)

Caricature of Bernie Sanders. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

And
just when it seemed like Sanders was going to run the table, his
holiness Barack Obama emerged from his golden throne, summoned his
chimney sweep Pete Buttigieg and commanded him to drop out of the race
or he wouldn’t get a lollipop for a month. (Although they won’t admit
it, I think we all know this is what happened.) As previously mentioned,
Obama also handed the dictator’s toolkit to Trump and further
entrenched the Democrats as a party of Wall Street and war.

But
most importantly, by rigging the primaries, the DNC successfully
alienated every young person who was turned on by Bernie Sanders’
Democratic Socialist movement. All the energy behind common-sense
progress, like joining the industrialized world with free health care
and raising the minimum wage and taxing the rich — all that energy was
stamped out by the neoliberals like a fire growing across a fine rug.
(Nancy Pelosi stamped so hard she sprained both her knees.) People under
30 got to see for themselves that our system is completely manipulated,
masterminded and maneuvered by the rich and powerful. Yet, perhaps it’s
good they learned that lesson now since they had to learn it sometime. 

No. 3 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the mainstream media.

Caricature of Donald Trump. (Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

We now know that during the 2016 election, the media gifted Trump with 23 TIMES
as much coverage as Bernie Sanders and 10 times as much coverage as
Hillary Clinton, and of course that’s not even taking into account
third-party candidates, because their coverage is always on par with the
amount of mainstream media coverage afforded to the basket weaving
techniques of Ancient Mauritania.

Yet
again the media floods the airwaves with a never-waning torrent of
Donald Trump vapidity and spectacle, some occasional lifeless coverage
of Joe Biden, and nary a whisper of anything outside the two corporate
parties. And for anybody thinking, “Yeah, but a lot of that Trump
coverage is negative,” Trump loves negative coverage. He has the
vocabulary of a drunk hedgehog with an ice pick lodged in its frontal
lobe, and yet he never stops talking. If he wanted to be respected, he
would shut the fuck up. But in his view, he wins as long as
you’re talking about him. So right now, he’s winning because I said his
name — and I blame you. …A little me — but mostly you.

No. 2 – IF Joe Biden loses, blame his ENTIRE career.

I’ve
already mentioned that he bragged about writing the Patriot Act. He
also famously forced through the 1994 Crime Bill. But there’s many more
less-often touted arrows in his quiver of racist, destructive behavior —
such as having proud racists like Strom Thurmond as his besties, repeatedly harassing or screwing over women, being funded throughout his career by credit-card companies and banks, endorsing and furthering U.S. interventionist policies
year-after-year-after-year. No matter how many imperial blood-soaked
attacks he watched on poor, innocent people, he simply signed up for
more horrific wars and coup-plotting, and I’m pretty sure he produced
that recent Ghostbusters reboot that made everyone hate America. Have you no shame, Joseph Biden?

No. 1IF
Joe Biden loses, blame the media, the Democrats & the liberal elite
for not covering, talking about, or standing up to Trump’s TRUE crimes.

(Donkey Hotey, Flickr, CC BY-SA 2.0)

They
have not only allowed his Bernie Madoff-esque level of corruption and
con-artistry, they have often tried to push him further to the right.
They haven’t stood in the path of his war games or his global
destruction. They only blocked him from his few moments of withdrawing troops or signing peace deals.
They didn’t stonewall the trillions of dollars Trump handed to Wall
Street while average citizens struggled during a pandemic. They all but
cheered it on. The mainstream media and the liberal elite don’t have the
vocabulary or understanding to fight back against corruption because
they are corruption —just like the Republicans. Corruption
courses through their bloodstream. They drink, eat and breathe
corruption. And their fawning toadies in the corporate media happily
report their garbage propaganda rather than genuinely “resist” anything.

So,
if Joe Biden loses this election, which he should easily win, don’t let
a single liberal try to blame it on the true left, on those of us who
actually have a moral core. We are not the problem. We are the solution.
Meanwhile — the neoliberals, the McResistance, would rather lose to
Donald Trump than even begin to put this country on a path to progress.


Lee Camp is an American comedian, writer, activist, and host and co-creator of the hit comedy news show Redacted Tonight with Lee Camp and Redacted Tonight: VIP on RT America. He’s a former Headline writer for the Onion and a former staff humor writer for the Huffington Post.
He has performed thousands of stand-up comedy shows throughout the US
and internationally. He’s also the creator and host of the web show Moment of Clarity. His other books include Moment of Clarity, and his 2018 stand-up comedy special Not Allowed on American TV has received rave reviews. He’s also the cohost of the weekly podcast Common Censored.

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